


Cantos del Corazón

by sarcastic_fangirl01



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: And Todd too, But they sort it out eventually, Christmas Caroling, Christmas Fluff, Dirk sings, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Oblivious Dirk Gently, Todd Brotzman is Bad at Feelings, and they sing together, christmas gifts, greatly i must say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 02:31:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17235674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcastic_fangirl01/pseuds/sarcastic_fangirl01
Summary: Based on a post from tumblr user @princessparadoxical.Then he sucked a breath, overreacting a little bit, although if that was because of the drinks or just Dirk being Dirk, he couldn't tell. "We have to sing together"Christmas is a magic time of the year, so it was no surprise that Dirk managed to get him into a new tradition that Todd would soon learn to love. But who knows what else could bloom from it?





	Cantos del Corazón

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SlytherinPirate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinPirate/gifts).



> This is my gift for SlytherinPirate for the holistic Christmas exchange. I hope you like it despite my excesive use of colons and italics for literary reasons <3

The relationships between people tend to be complicated. Many factors intervene in the process of being liked by someone or not, small actions in a chain effect that start to shape the opinion we have about others and they have about us. Many times, these get to be negative, associating these people with bad emotions or situations that turn out to be not so pleasant. That’s how humans work, after all.

These people use to represent a sudden change in the mood of anyone who finds themselves affected by their presence. A black cloud in their day, ruining with their existence another one’s pleasant life. But there’s a time of the year where these things stop being important. A time where people set their prejudices and contradictions aside to unite through a stronger force: _love_. Whether it’s with family or friends, people create their own company bubbles, where only those who are willing to add a ray of sunshine to their lives are allowed to come in.

Christmas is a magic season, many people say, and they couldn’t be closer to the truth. Perhaps this magic doesn’t present itself in the way they expect, through miracles made by a bearded man that spreads happiness and gratitude all over the world in the course of one night. Instead, driven by these ideals, the world turns a little less selfish, a little less evil. The goodness that’s hidden inside most of the people surfaces to the light, impulsing them to make acts that otherwise wouldn’t have been more than a passing thought.

Because of this and more, Todd loved Christmas. Even as a child it seemed to him that December was a magic season, guaranteeing him all kinds of gifts, of the material kind as well as the emotional sort. There was a time in his life where it hadn’t been like that, time he liked to think of as the ‘dark times’ ─a little because of the shady connotations it held and for the sake of being dramatic. Those years were covered by a shadow of lonely nights and bitter days, that did nothing but leave him with a disgusting sensation in his stomach. He had lost all his hope back then. But his life made an unexpected turn, granting him with a reason once more to go on with his day without wanting it to end before starting. Day by day, he began to feel how those old emotions started to resurface from the dark pit they had been buried on. They showed up whenever Amanda hugged him, pressing him tightly against her chest before punching him lightly as a greeting. They showed up whenever Farah smiled, careless for once in a long time and letting her guard fall in front of him, showing him her trust. They showed up whenever Dirk laughed, a sound so light yet so present it made itself be heard by everyone in the room, filling it with his cheerful essence.

What Todd loved about Christmas too were the traditions. There was something special about them that made his chest feel less heavy. They were like inner jokes between a group of people, jokes that although others could appreciate, they’d never fully comprehend their meaning the way they did. The Brotzman family had Christmas traditions. One of Todd’s favourites was the baking tradition. The night before Christmas, hours prior to the dinner where the rest of their family would come, the four of them would work on building a gingerbread town. Nothing too complicated or obnoxious, just the fair amount of work to have a distraction that shook the weights of the day from the adults’ shoulders and that entertained the kids. He could remember with exactitude those years of shared smiles, and the flour wars that he and Amanda would share, their father sometimes joining them under the disapproving look of their mother. But all of that ended abruptly when Todd erased himself from their family and Amanda got the disease. He knew he’d never get any of that back, that it was part of a past he couldn’t remediate. But that didn’t keep him from creating new traditions with new people.

In fact, many of those started to form with his new friends, such as only toasting with a British liquor that Dirk appeared to get with an incredible ease that neither Todd nor Farah wanted to question. Or the one about not ending their celebration until one of them broke a glass ─which said a lot about them if he stopped to think about it. Or even the one that comprehended a strange arrangement about only gathering in the building of the new Agency, closed to the public for the Holidays. Each one of them were created through mutual agreements between them, consented in a way that made sure every part was on board with it and that granted a good night for everyone involved.

But Todd’s favourite was different from all of them.

It had started as an accident. No prior agreement or debate needed. In fact, they hadn’t called it a tradition until after the second time it happened, going unnoticed by the own participants and those around them but still enjoyed with a pleasant feeling. It became something natural, as if it was the only thing they could possibly do, and Todd was probably happy that it happened that way.

It had been on a Christmas night. Their glasses were already in the third refill, and Todd would be lying if he said he was completely sober. The ambient around him was in a similar state as the one in his mind, a fuzzy, bubbling feeling of cheerfulness where everyone was smiling and laughing at any small thing they found remotely funny. Farah was sat in one of the spinning chairs of the office, a light blush covering her cheeks that could be product of the alcohol or their prolonged laugh. Amanda, who had decided to spend this Christmas with them, reclined in the other spare chair, spinning on it like a small child again. Dirk and Todd on the other hand, shared the small sofa of the Agency, leaned against the other as the last trails of laughter died on their lips.

They had got special clothing to for the occasion, idea that Dirk considered would give a different touch compared to other years. He himself had bought a red hat like Santa’s with an awful sweater to go with it. He also got a green little hat and sweater for Todd, saying that he could use an elf assistant for the moment, which earned him a glare from his part. Farah got herself a nice pair of reindeer antlers that rose sloppily through her hair. Amanda brought a pair of matching sweaters for them too in different colours, as well as an angel halo gravitating over her head.

He couldn’t remember what they were laughing about, but probably it was something stupid. What he knew was that whatever the subject was, it lead to a conversation about Christmas music.

“Todd used to be very good with carolls,” Amanda pointed with her own glass, stopping mid-spin for a moment to address them. “When we were children he sang with mum and dad non-stop all the night.”

“Is that true?” Farah giggled from her place, surely picturing a smaller version of Todd intoning the very well-known verses.

“Yeah, but I was a kid,” he clarified, even if that had already been mentioned, “I was mostly playing the fool or something.”

“Oh, not at all,” Amanda grinned with another spin, hands clenched on the chair’s back as she did so. “You got so excited about it, he even asked our parents to go out with him to play them for the neighbours!”

“Owww, that’s so cute!” Farah placed a hand in her chest as she smiled.

“No, it wasn’t cute,” he argued back, but without any spite in his tone.

Dirk patted his shoulder by his side, “It’s fine Todd, I love carolls too! When Riggins taught them to me on Blackwing I couldn’t stop singing them whenever we were around December.” Then he sucked a breath, overreacting a little bit, although if that was because of the drinks or just Dirk being Dirk, he couldn’t tell. “We have to sing together.”

“What?” he frowned, smile still in place, “No way.”

“Why not?” Dirk asked getting on his knees on the couch, taking Todd by his shoulders and moving him back and forth. “It could be fun! And we could be amazing! Just imagine,” he sat back, ignoring Todd’s subtle chuckles as he spread his open hands on front of him,

“you, the ex-frontman of a successful and awesome band-”

“It wasn’t that good,” Amanda said in the background, followed by Farah’s laugh.

“-and me, your _bestest_ best friend in the world with a good voice that many have said that although irritating could be good to hear on some opportunities.”

“Who said that?” Todd inquired.

“You,” Dirk smiled, unaffected by the doubt in Todd’s words.

“Yeah… I don’t remember that happening,” he shook his head with a smirk in his face.

“It doesn’t matter,” Dirk hit him with one of the cushions of the sofa. “We have to do it! We could have a lot of fun!”

“I don’t think public humiliation is considered fun,” Todd tried once more, taking the cushion from his friend’s hands and throwing it to the other side of the room.

“I told you he was a party pooper,” his sister contributed, to which Todd answered by flipping her off.

“C’mon, Todd,” Dirk begged, making use of his best impression of puppy eyes. “It’s Christmas.”

No one could blame him for saying yes then. After all, it was Christmas, he was tipsy enough to not second-guess himself, and Dirk’s eyes glowed in a way that was impossible for him to say no to him. So they went to his flat that was in the upper part of the building to get his guitar, and once they made it back to the Agency, they began to play some of the most popular carolls he could remember on the guitar.

He had to admit it, it was fun. Todd felt how the verses slipped from his mouth easily, helped by the extra glasses that they accumulated throughout the night. Dirk contributed favourably to the songs as well, singing the parts that Todd couldn’t even pronounce as the laughter choke his words. And even though they were merely joking around, it didn’t make them less amazing. At some point, surely being cheered by Farah and/or Amanda, they went to the street, to greet the neighbours and sing in their gardens. Some of them didn’t even bother to open the door, but many others stayed around for a while, all while smiling and applauding them for their tributes. Some of them even _paid them._

And because of obvious reasons, Todd didn’t know what happened after that. If it was that they ended up with several people singing along to their carolls first, or if they ended playing on a near bar before that, and Todd certainly didn’t remember having taken the photo that Amanda sent him the next morning, with the four of them, costumes still on, smiling with tall glasses full of drinks he didn’t recall having paid.

But at the end of the day, it had been a good experience. So they repeated it next year. And the next. And the next. And it became their own special, private, wholesome tradition. Dirk always insisted on them preparing for it days prior to the event. He was in charge of the costumes and Todd worked on preparing their repertoire. He tried to mix some of the traditional carolls with some actual and more popular Christmas songs, the ones they surely knew everyone would love. Dirk got them a different costume every year, always making them match in ways that weren’t so expensive for their pockets but that made the performance a lot nicer. One year, the one after Santa and the Elf, they went as the tree and a gift, Todd using a multicolour sweater with a ribbon on top of his head and Dirk with a green coat with colourful lights all over it. Another year, Dirk got them two pairs of antlers and painted the tip of Todd’s nose with red to become reindeer. It wasn’t much, but it certainly did some children’s nights.

And the people. They loved them. Over time, even those who were reluctant at first started to welcome their presence as well as their songs. The entire neighbourhood started to love their little tradition as well, practically waiting for it. The smiles that received them with every open door, from adults and children alike, made every night after the clock struck twelve even greater.

And Todd couldn’t say he didn’t love it. He literally couldn’t. Many times he tried to deny how much he actually liked their little acts, but even when he wanted to contradict Dirk so bad, he was unable to. There was something about them that made them so special for him, this light-hearted kind of fun where he had to do nothing else but share a good time with his best friend. And they were serious about it.

Todd always knew he had some vocal talents in regards to singing, but he didn’t know Dirk could sing as well. It was a good surprise, one that didn’t strike him until the second year of their tradition. Dirk’s voice was sweet, perfect for the slow songs that people loved to dance to. Sometimes, when he knew he could do just fine, Todd left him on his own, doing the song by himself. Dirk threw him a funny look every time, before going with it without skipping a beat. And Todd let himself just appreciate the moment, letting the guitar guide the song and listen to Dirk’s voice, letting it fill him until it was his turn to sing back.

It was _their_ thing. The moment where Todd felt them more in sync than ever, just enjoying themselves and entertaining others. As soon as December came, Todd found himself looking forward to it.

He thought about all of this while he was preparing their setlist for this year’s carolling. He was picking from a group of songs to play in that scarce hour that they had. Dirk was on the kitchen, making his way back to sit on the couch with a glass of milk on one hand and his phone on the other. He was browsing through it with his eyebrows drawn together, concentration at its highest point. From the end of the couch, Todd got to see he was in Amazon, looking through special Christmas decorations.

“What are you planning for this year?” Todd asked him, setting the guitar apart for a moment.

“I’m not sure yet.” Dirk moved to show Todd the screen where he had selected a few items in the shopping cart. Their shoulders bumped together when Dirk pointed at a white sweater with snow designs. “I was thinking on ghosts.”

“Ghosts?” Todd moved to look better at the item. “What does that have to do with Christmas?”

“The Christmas Ghosts!” Dirk explained, moving closer as well to point better at the different designs. “From the Schröedinger tale!”

“Do you mean Scrooge?” Todd looked at his side, Dirk’s eyes still debating his fashion selections.

“All the same, Todd,” he replied dismissively.

“I still don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said shaking lightly his head, turning his eyes back to the screen. “But we could be snowmen, if you want to keep with the white theme.”

“Oh yeah,” Dirk snorted, “people will love to have a grumpy snowman for Christmas.”

“I’m not grumpy,” he complained attempting to bump his shoulder with his own and missing to hit his chest. He hadn’t realised when Dirk shifted to be this close. “I’m just not a mix of rainbow and sparkles.”

“Oh hush,” Dirk said as he kept browsing on another tab.

Todd knew Dirk was a touchy person. He was always close, giving a hug, with a hand on your shoulder, at no more than an arm’s reach. At the beginning of their friendship that had startled him, taking him by surprise whenever he found him a few inches apart, but now it was another part of their dynamic that Todd got to accept.

“Although the snowman look would fit you well,” he said while granting him a funny look. Dirk missed it as he passed an arm behind his shoulders to leave the glass of milk in the little table next to the couch.

“You think?” he asked still distracted. His voice sounded right in Todd’s ear, and he was surprised by the way his heart jumped once in his chest.

“Yeah. You’d make a pretty cute snowman.” Todd answered back. Dirk left the arm on Todd’s side, resting on the couch’s arm. This gave Todd the space to lean back, movement he found an awful lot more familiar than it should. “The kids would love it.”

“And what would you be then?” Dirk asked with a lopsided smile and a light frown. There was minimal space between them, enough for them to look at each other, but Todd found himself feeling Dirk’s body heat as his shoulder touched the man’s chest and actually leaning into it. When Todd turned to look at him, his face was a lot closer than he expected.

“The annoying kid that kills the snowman,” he joked with a smug smirk.

“Sure,” Dirk rolled his eyes, but Todd saw the fondness in that gesture. “We’re both being snowmen,” he stated finally, turning to look at the screen.

“Good,” Todd said feeling the extra energy he needed to look back at the page where Dirk was looking at baby carrots. “But I am not using that on my nose.”

They heard the door opening in that moment, and without lifting their glances they greeted at the same time, “Hello Farah.”

“Hi guys,” she said back, leaving some plastic bags in the kitchen counter. “I brought you the groceries you asked for, Todd.”

“Thanks,” he said, looking up at her as she sat on the armchair next to them.

“Preparing yourselves for this year?” Farah asked with a glint of excitement in her voice.

“We’re deciding the costumes,” Dirk provided with his usual shiny smile.

“I want to see what you’ll pull out this time,” she returned the smile, but more relaxed. More Farah.

“You’ll be surprised,” Todd nodded from his place.

“I’m sure of it. You are great together.”

And perhaps he was reading too much into her words, but Todd suddenly remembered the pose they were in and how weird that must look for others to see them that way. He became extremely aware of how many parts of his body were in contact with Dirk’s and felt his blood slowly climbing through his neck, settling as a new warmth in his cheeks.

“Yeah, we are,” he smiled nervously as he got up from the couch. Farah and Dirk turned to look at him for the sudden movement.

“Anyway, I think I have to put what you brought in, you know, their… place.”

“Sure,” Dirk answered with an easy smile as he went back to type in his phone, asking Farah about where he could get only two baby carrots instead of the whole bag.

Farah, however, frowned at him, and Todd could feel her gaze following him all the way to the kitchen. Once he closed the door, he gave himself half a second to notice the way his heart pounded inside of him.

*.-°*-.°*-.

Selecting the music was easy. After considering which songs would fit best with the ones they had chosen before, it was matter of time until Todd put everything on place for the music to transition in the best possible way. But once he’d done it, they still had to practice. After the first years, when they began to take it seriously and anticipate to the day in question, they thought it would be better to make sure the songs sounded good instead of improvising. That also saved them a lot of time at the moment of picking the next song without getting into a brief argument about it.

Dirk and Todd were sat in the latest bed with music sheets and lyrics scattered between them. It was comfortable, if he had to admit it, but also very normal between them. Dirk wasn’t so fond of being in his flat. He said it felt too silent, too lonely. So he wandered through Todd’s place instead, filling the dead silence with his inconsistent rambles, curiously funny questions and overall good chatter. Some nights, he even stayed to sleep on the couch, where Todd always left him a spare blanket and pillow to make it at least a bit more enjoyable. He used to joke saying the real reason of his visits was that Dirk actually missed him, but he couldn’t really complain about it, it was nice having him around after all.

This day wasn’t any different. Dirk had been walking through every room, helping Todd with the house chores ─even if he was terrible with them─ and simply being a good company. Then Todd suggested they practised the songs for the night and he immediately took all they needed to his bedroom, where he assured him they would be more comfortable.

Todd was currently going through the chords of the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, selected by Dirk’s request. It was supposed to be a duet, as every other song, but they wanted to try singing different parts of the song before doing it together. Todd was doing his part, unaware of the growing silence from his partner. He thought he was only focusing on the guitar sounds, as he sometimes used to do. But by the time he finished, he noticed how strangely silent the detective was. Todd stopped playing to look up at him, trying to see what happened that he didn’t join in.

Well, it was quite a look.

Dirk hadn’t only gone silent, he looked astonished as well. His eyebrows fully raised on his forehead, helping his eyes go wide with what Todd thought was surprise. But behind that, he noticed something else swirling around too. A weird mix of realisation and fear, both feelings clearly written in the pair of blue eyes. They were looking at Todd’s face, as if Dirk were seeing him for the first time. And when his look lowered to his mouth, Dirk’s lips were lightly separated, as if about to start an explanatory sentence.

But Dirk blinked, snapping his mouth shut, and whatever Todd thought having seen disappeared in less than a second.

“What happened?” he asked, ignoring the growing heat crawling up his neck. “You didn’t join.”

“Oh, yes, I was-um,” Dirk looked down, eyes landing on the paper in front of him. “I forgot the lyrics.”

“But you have them on your hand,” he replied, pointing at the paper. Dirk frowned at this before openly smiling again.

“I forgot the next song lyrics,” he provided, as if that was reason enough to satisfy Todd’s curiosity. “I was thinking about it when you started singing, and I got a little, uh, distracted.”

Todd was starting to wonder if he had a good health, because the way his heartbeat accelerated in that moment was definitely not normal.

“Ok, nevermind. Just, sing your part,” he mumbled, ducking his head to keep playing the song right where he left it.

And he wasn’t expecting any of what he felt after that. When he began to play, Dirk waited a few seconds before start singing. But Todd was totally surprised by how his voice sounded once he did it. Todd had heard him sing before, he even had highlighted his ways of doing it in more than one opportunity. But now, it felt different. Dirk sounded as relaxed as he looked, leaning against the wall with the elbow of the hand holding the lyrics rested on top of his bent knee. His voice ricocheted against the room walls making it more surrounding, much more appreciable in the small bedroom than in the outdoors. It seemed to wrap Todd with its melody, low and quiet, only for him to hear it. He was finding problems on keeping the music playing without missing a note.

And when the song ended, Dirk smiled. It was a small smile, one didn’t even reach his eyes, but it was there, and Todd saw it, and he felt the urgent need of taking that smile away with his own lips.

He felt himself freeze at the thought. He kept his look on him and when Dirk turned to see him as well, their eyes locked. Just like that, in silence, both looking into each other without words flowing between them. Todd felt how they didn’t need them, they could say much more this way. And as his focus was solely centred on Dirk, he didn’t miss the way his lips curled up further, slowly, while his eyes softened in front of him. If he thought having a high heart pace was bad, he freaked out at the way his heart completely stopped in his chest.

Todd excused himself, leaving the guitar behind, leaving his cellphone and the flat keys without looking back, and stormed out of the building, completely unaware of Dirk’s growing frown.

He went to the Agency, where he knew Farah would be still arranging the preparations for the night’s party. Todd noticed as soon as he put a foot in the last step of the staircase the explosion of Christmas that had assaulted the building. There was green, red and silver everywhere, but she had managed to order it so it wasn’t invasive, rather symmetric instead. There were little gifts decorating the desks, lights illuminating different corners, garlands hanging from the walls, and their own small Christmas tree with blinking white lights and a shiny star on top of it.

Farah was currently putting up the stockings with their names on them when Todd launched himself on the nearest chair.

“I need your help,” he said out of a sudden, basically spitting the words, and his sudden apparition startled Farah enough for her to jump on her place.

“For God’s sake,” she whispered, taking the hand out of her holster. “Hi Todd, it’s good to see you.”

“Sorry for skipping the formalities,” he rolled his eyes, “but I am in the middle of a crisis.”

“How bad is it?” she asked, still looking at the stockings.

“ _'I must have fucked everything up’_ kind of bad,” Todd explained, running a hand though his hair.

This made his friend stop in her tracks before pulling out another chair and sitting in front of him. “I hear you,” she said, and Todd felt immensely lucky of having someone like her in his life.

“Okay,” he sighed deeply, twisting his fingers to distract himself from the problem in hand.

“I… think I realised something. Something that, shouldn’t be happening. Something that definitely, 100% sure, would ruin it all.”

“Stop being a drama queen and start unbottling it,” she said. “What is this awful thing that happened, Todd?”

He only had to say it. If he said it out loud, he’d see how ridiculous it was, proving himself that it probably was nothing so he could go on with his life.

“I think I like Dirk.”

Silence. And _shit_ , it didn’t help at all. As soon as the words left his mouth and they sat properly on his tongue, he felt they were true. And what was more confusing, he wasn’t sure they should be. He felt the conflict in his mind by only thinking about the implications of what he said. He hadn’t allowed himself to go further than that realisation because of the fearful places his poor brain could take him too, letting the field of the future completely unexplored.

And Farah’s complete freeze wasn’t really doing its job of lifting the situation. She just sat there, eyes fixed on Todd’s face, the only movement visible being her eyebrows slowly drawing together.

“Wait,” she began.

“I know,” Todd cut her off, “you weren’t expecting it, and to be honest me neither. But certain things have happened and I started to feel... stuff. And that lead me to, like, think other stuff, and it really surprised me to know-”

“So you weren’t together all this time?”

He stopped abruptly, forgetting immediately what he was going to say next.

“Excuse me, what?” Todd asked. Plain static played in his mind now.

His friend in front of him looked even more confused over his reaction.

“Well, it was an obvious thought,” Farah defended herself while crossing her arms over her chest. “You know, with how you behaved and all.”

“No it wasn’t,” Todd argued back defensively.

“It was to us,” she shrugged.

“Sorry, did you say _‘us’_?”Todd frowned deeper.

Farah smirked with his words. “Yeah, Amanda was the first to think about it.” Great, now his sister was involved too. “She convinced me into paying more attention after that and I sort of started to believe her words.”

“But that’s impossible,” he denied shaking his head. It had to be. “This happened just today.”

Farah seemed to think about that for half a second before shrugging again. “I mean, you did seem like a couple.”

“Did we?” Todd asked, curious about the answer.

“Yes.” Farah straightened her back and started to numerate with her fingers. “You were always together or seeking for each other’s company, Dirk practically lives in your apartment now, I know for a fact that you have slept in the same bed at least five times-”

“Hey, those were special situations,” he raised a finger as he interrupted her. But Farah only stared flatly at him.

“Todd I’ve seen you cuddling together more than once already,” she raised an eyebrow. “Were those special situations as well?”

He sighed, feeling defeated, and lowered his head with a groan until his head came to rest in his hands. He heard Farah move until she was crouched next to him, placing a hesitating hand in his shoulder.

“I don’t know what to do,” Todd muttered, but he was fairly sure that she had heard him. “This was not supposed to happen to us.”

“How can you know?” Farah tried to comfort him. Her tone conveyed the exact amount of pity for him not to loath it.

“Because it just _can’t_ ,” he said, lifting his head to meet her eyes. “Because it would ruin everything we’ve done until now.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way,” Farah frowned, now deeply worried about her friend. “Not if you do something about it instead of letting it explode in your face, as you usually do.”

“But how do I do that?” he asked then, seeking her advice. Todd really needed one of those at the moment.

Farah smiled, with one fraction of compassion and three of friendly care.

“Just try testing the waters, see how sure you are about what you feel and what Dirk feels as well. Who knows?” she shrugged, “The answer may even surprise you.”

And yeah, Todd wasn’t sure how the hell he was supposed to do that, but Farah’s firm grip on his shoulder gave him enough strength to smile and accept the little chance that hope whispered on his ear.

*.-°*-.°*-.

Without a doubt, Christmas parties were a _fucking_ miracle. Todd found them way more pleasant now than years ago, when his University mates would invite him to get drunk, and sometimes high, in a crowded square, with music at its highest level and the sound of one or two couples finding a time of intimacy to fill the air. No, the ambient now had a different smell than hormones and alcohol. One could feel the love around them besides the excessive joy that flooded from them.

Todd himself was comfortable among them all, not even feeling intimidated or, God forbid, scared, of the presence of certain invitees. Perfectly making justice for Amanda’s words, the Rowdies were behaving in the most civilised way they were capable of. Or well, the most civilised way Todd thought they were capable of. Cross and Gripps were helping him to take the food and drinks to the rest of the group, even sharing equally kind smiles and varying giggles whenever some of them had a slip in the way between the kitchen and the common area they were all gathering. On one of the desks, Todd could see Amanda and Farah instructing Martin in the subject of Snapchat with their phones, and it was a pure delight to see Amanda cackle at the confused frown that appeared in his face then the doggy filter appeared on screen. On the sofa, Dirk and Vogel cheerfully spoke about something Todd couldn’t really get a grasp on, but that judging by the beams plastered on their faces was good enough to entertain both. All of this happened while Beast, wrapped on Dirk’s torso, kept playing with his head and making all sorts of hairstyles with those auburn locks.

Seeing him brought back to Todd’s mind the conversation he and Farah had hours ago. He hadn’t decided on it yet, sensing how his contradictory thoughts interfered with his buried feelings, but not being able to do anything to set them apart. But even though he knew how wrong it was, and how much he should try and avoid any of the nonsense that surrounded the subject for the sake of their friendship, looking at Dirk smile so openly, with lines at the corners of those bright eyes… he simply couldn’t bare it.

But ignoring his inner debates, the rest of the night was more than pleasant, bordering the incredible. He got to enjoy the adorable sensation that settled in his chest whenever they had a peaceful moment in the loud mess that were their lives. And he couldn’t keep the fondness in his look away every time he remembered they were all together, alive, and _happy_.

As soon as the bells rang, welcoming the twelve o’clock, the gift opening began. And Todd had never in his life seen anyone look so excited over it as the weird group that conformed Dirk, Vogel and Beast. The three of them practically jumped over the tree distributing the gifts and envelopes that laid beneath it.

Everyone had their fair share of love that night. Farah was embracing in his arms a book of Military Strategies Over the Years as she thanked Todd silently with her eyes. She had a jacket thrown over her shoulders as well, with the inscription ‘I’m FABulous’ embroidered on the back, to which Dirk granted himself all the credit for. Todd himself got a new vinyl for his poor collection on the wall, that he knew had a permanent hole in it, which made him hug Amanda tight as Farah complained for some recognition. However, no one was interested about this as soon as they saw the black t-shirt that had ‘I’m not your Watson’ written over its chest, and that merited a pack of pictures taken that he knew for sure would become blackmail material in a few days. Amanda, on the other hand, smiled furiously at the penknife the Rowdies collectively got her (along with chocolates and keyrings he was sure came from a gas station) and that Todd was mildly concerned about.

As the others focused on giving the Rowdies the matching sweaters the Agency had someone to make for them (Todd could already hear Gripps sobbing in the background), he decided it was time to give his last gift. Dirk was accommodating the scarf Amanda gave him as well as the mug that read ‘World’s #1 Detective’ when Todd cleared his throat, sitting next to him.

“Oh, hi Todd.”

He was looking upfront, where Vogel jumped between the laughing girls, taking handfuls of his sweater with a number 3 sewed on it.

“I see that you already opened your gifts,” Todd nodded at the little pile he created.

Dirk looked at it before raising his eyebrows and turning back at Todd. “Oh yes! Farah totally outdid herself with the mug, but I think it’s adorable.”

“Yeah, it really fits with you.” Todd rolled his palms against his jean’s fabric in an attempt of calming down the growing nerves that threatened to eat him alive from the inside. “But I think you’ve missed something.”

Dirk hummed questioningly as he tilted his head.

“I mean, there’s one more gift left.” He palmed his back pocket, looking for the package he knew was there. When he took it out he saw it was a little wrinkled, and Todd mentally slapped himself. He knew he should have put it in a box. “Like, I haven’t given you anything, and, I guess, I should um-” he mumbled as he tried to straighten the gift paper without tearing it apart. He sighed, resigned, and handed it to the man in front of him. “Just open it.”

Dirk looked amused by the situation, there was even a bit of fondness in his expression as he opened his new gift. Todd chewed on his lip as he saw him smile, swallowing the ball of nerves on his throat. But once he put the wrapping paper apart, he settled into a frown.

“You gave me,” Dirk asked, putting the object at eye-level, “Mona?”

“What? No.” Dirk looked more confused, and Todd sighed again, with more exasperation this time. “It’s a Panic Pete toy. As in, a true one.”

The toy looked back at Dirk from his hands, who still didn’t seem to understand. He opened his mouth to question, but Todd decided to speak first.

“It’s a symbol,” he explained, trying to sound less worried than he felt. “Like, you had it when we first met, and you broke into my appartment-”

“It’s not breaking in if the window is open,” Dirk repeated the same argument he held whenever the subject was brought in. But Todd noticed it came out a little strangled now. Dirk himself look a bit taken aback.

“Whatever,” he rolled his eyes, letting a small smile escape past his lips. “When I saw it I thought about you, and how we started, and well...”

He drifted off, leaving the words there for Dirk to interpret, hoping that they transmitted how much he wanted to say but didn’t have the guts to express, how many thoughts he wanted to give the voice to but didn’t have the confidence to do it. When he saw that toy everything came back to him, the confusion; both stimulating and terrifying at the same time; the madness, enveloping and intoxicating as only Dirk’s presence could get; and everything that came after, every step that contributed to the creation of this strange but gratifying friendship they accomplished and that Todd feared so much to ruin. He was hoping that it reminded Dirk the beginning of everything as much as it did to him, and that it showed how much he treasured every single moment of it.

Dirk stared at the toy, squeezing it once in between his hands, and then looked up at Todd, who surely looked purple for holding his breath for so long. And he hugged him, comforting and relieving arms telling Todd that yes, Dirk understood everything he tried to say. Because sometimes words weren’t needed between them to guess what the other was thinking.

He returned the hug, feeling himself relax on the embrace, melting onto him and leaning into his touch. He felt Dirk do the same, and something inside of him whispered that it was because of _him_ , but Todd didn’t want to believe that. However, he didn’t miss the way his smile widened, and even if it was being covered by Dirk’s shoulder, he knew it would be noticed by the way it lit up his whole face.

Todd realised a few things then. Firstly, that Dirk was happy. Secondly, that Todd had made him happy, and that made it even more important for some reason. He also realised that he liked making him happy. He obviously loved that all of his friends felt right, even more if he was the reason of that. But he was particularly interested in the fact that Dirk was happy _because_ of him. And because the next thing Todd discovered is that he was willing to do anything if it meant he got to see the special way Dirk smiled.

It wasn’t a normal smile, the one he reserved for every person he determined was deserving of such spectacle (which was a very long list). This smile was kept only for special occasions, and Todd was more than proud to say that he was the protagonist of many of them. He wanted to keep it to himself, with all the fluttery jumps it made his heart make inside his chest, with the growing need to pull closer, to keep _him_ closer, and the lingering feeling of never having enough.

And once they broke apart, long after the hug ended, only with the aftermaths of the warm feeling that bloomed inside of him, Todd realised that he was deeply lost in a feeling he only began to understand.

And it terrified him.

*.-°*-.°*-.

They always did it after midnight. It was part of the tradition, after all. So once they finished with the presents ceremony and after their friends basically begged them to start, they took all they needed to prepare this year’s carolling.

They threw away their coats to put on the white sweaters. By Todd’s request, Dirk hadn’t bought the baby carrots after all, so they painted their noses with a peck of orange instead. Todd grabbed his guitar, Dirk grabbed the bag of candy canes that children _always_ loved, and they went out to the streets, ringing every doorbell, knocking on every house. Their neighbours were sort of expecting them, opening their homes to them as soon as they announced themselves. Some people even got out of their houses, impatient for their humble act to reach them.

Todd’s cheeks hurt from smiling too hard. Singing was one of the things that made him happiest in the world, and sharing it with his friends made it all worth a lot more. They were dancing around Dirk and him, joining on the songs they knew or simply enjoying themselves with the audience.

And Dirk, he was having the time of his life. He made the people part of the act, and that was one of the things that made them get welcomed more often. Todd was sort of incompetent at dealing with other people when he was getting into the music, but Dirk made it all seem like the easiest thing in the world. He made them dance, made them laugh, all while keeping his voice from failing at all.

Todd loved to hear him sing. And as he performed, with the snow falling around them, it gave all of it the impression of a magic moment, one he’d like to keep in his pocket to watch over and over again. When Dirk sang his parts, Todd couldn’t help but stare. And sometimes he would look back at him, nose red for the cold under the fading orange, eyes shining brighter than the Christmas lights hanging from the roofs, and with something glowing in them that Todd couldn’t put his finger on, but that made his legs tremble as Hell.

In the last house, after an hour that left his throat begging for a break, they closed it involving all of their neighbours on the song. They all sang together, adults, children, even the Rowdies did their best rendition of it. The moment felt like if it had been taken from a movie.

They returned to the Agency, but as their friends got inside to keep the party going, Dirk and Todd stayed outside, sat on the steps of the entrance to make the good moment they were having last longer. Todd had his guitar on the floor, holding it between his legs. Dirk was holding himself with both arms by his sides. They were laughing at something one of them said, and Todd found their shoulders bumping from the laughter. They sighed, calming down, and silently looked out at the streets.

There weren’t many cars driving at this hour. The moon rose big and round on the sky, and even if sometimes it was covered by a passing cloud, its shine wasn’t any less brighter. They were illuminated by the orange glimmer of the lampposts that drew shadows on their relaxed faces. Todd could hear the laughter coming from the inside of the building, as well as many other voices from their surroundings. It was calm. It was nice.

“We did great this year,” Dirk spoke after a while, and when Todd turned to look at him he saw the emotion of his voice reflexed on his expression.

“Yeah, we gave a good spectacle for them,” he smiled, taking advantage of the opportunity to let his eyes wander over Dirk’s face a bit more. “You were great.”

“Nah, I’m not really a singer. You, on the other hand-” Dirk purposely bumped his shoulder with Todd’s “-really gave a show out of it, huh?”

Todd snorted, “Shut up.”

“I’m serious,” Dirk pressed, and Todd felt his eyes being attracted to him. “It was like, the first time I saw you play. With Amanda, way back then. You looked… happy.” Dirk’s eyes zoomed out at the distance, as if he was remembering that moment. “You had a big smile on your face, as if there wasn’t any other place you wanted to be than there. It’s a look that suits you,” he ended, looking back at him.

“You really think so?” Todd ducked his head to hide the grin that took over his face.

“Hmh,” Dirk nodded, and he felt his gaze on him. “And I like that.”

“What?”

“You, being happy.” But his voice trailed off on a whisper, “With me.”

Todd looked up then, eyebrows furrowed at Dirk, who wasn’t looking at him now. He saw him lick his lips, and when he spoke again he did it without making visual contact.

“I was, a _tiny_ bit jealous back then. Of you and Amanda, that is. I wanted to be a part of it, and, now that I technically am… I know that I wasn’t wrong,” he shook his head before turning towards Todd. “We _really_ were meant to know each other.”

Todd was about to talk, but Dirk went on, on typical Dirk fashion, to start one of his famous rambles.

“And I’m really glad that we were, because you… you are basically _perfect_.” He paused for a moment to look at Todd, turning to face him better, and restarted again without stopping to take a breath. “I mean, you have stayed here, even after all the stuff the Universe has thrown in our way. You keep being here, and you keep choosing to be here, which is a lot more important than people tend to think. Todd, you have become the best constant that I’ve ever had in my entire life, and I can’t even begin to explain how much that means to me.”

Todd was speechless. Dirk was looking at him with an openness in his gaze that showed all the feelings behind his words. He took Todd’s hands between his, and he felt how his breath got stuck in his throat, not daring to move.

Dirk sighed. “I, I have been thinking, about a lot of stuff. And I have realised a lot of other stuff, things that I want to tell you.” He dropped Todd’s hands, as his own started to fly with his words in what Todd identified as nervousness. “This is particularly difficult to me, because I don’t want by any means to lose you, or better said, to lose _us_ , because of my stupid mouth. But I think, and after a very good talk with Amanda, she made me understand, that I might give it a try.” He closed his eyes for a second, frowning like if he had already given a step in the wrong direction. “I am really trying to say something here, but I can’t for my life figure out how to do it without screwing everything up-”

“Dirk,” Todd managed to choke out.

“-but I feel like this is necessary to, open up-”

“Dirk, shut up,” he said gently. The ghost of a smile had crept up his lips.

“-Anyway, I was really hoping that we could, um-"

“Dirk, shut up,” Todd finally cut him off, grabbing his wrist in the middle of the air. Dirk looked at him with wide eyes and his mouth open mid-sentence. “You never shut up.”

Dirk looked down at his lips when he spoke, and Todd suddenly felt his soul fall to the floor.

“Make me,” Dirk said.

And Todd didn’t hesitate to close up the space between them, embracing Dirk’s lips with his own under the poor lighting of the streets. Dirk hummed in surprise, not having expected him to obey, but then returned the feeling, moving softly with Todd’s mouth in a slow pace they both had no difficulty to keep up with. Todd let go of his hands, and he felt Dirk lean onto him as he raised them to cup his face. Dirk’s hands settled on his shoulders, palming him lightly as if to make sure what was happening was real.

It was perfect. It _felt_ perfect. As well as with their lives, they moulded to the other’s style, completing themselves with every part of their being. Todd felt the tingle from his chest extend to the rest of his body, making a mess in his stomach when Dirk pushed harder on him, trying to get closer than they already were, asking to deepen their kiss. And he let him in. He let him in as he did in every aspect of their relationship: slowly, with calm, feeling both the excitement and anxiousness of what they were doing. He didn’t know what this meant. But even if he felt nervous of what was yet to come, he knew by the way he felt Dirk’s heart hammer against his chest that they would come out great of it.

Todd heard the soft chuckle that left Dirk’s lips when he broke apart. He didn’t go long though, only putting enough space between them so he could look at Dirk’s eyes without missing the feel of his breath.

“That was, a lot easier than what I had planned,” Dirk whispered, and Todd felt every one of his words impact against his lips.

“Well, you can count on me to make it easier,” he stroked his cheek with his thumb. “I mean, if you want.”

Dirk smiled, biting his lip as he pressed their foreheads together.

“Anytime.”


End file.
